I Got You..

In all the world of words put together, I like these three the most. I kinda don’t even have a handle on why. I think it means more than “I like you” or even “I love you.”

Besides, “I love you” lost its meaning with me when I realized people would “love” a shirt, or chocolate. I have even said, many times in fact, that I love my phone. So what is the meaning when someone says they love you? Is it more than that shirt, or chocolate, or phone? Is there some sort of scale people go by or is it so disgustingly generalized that we don’t even really know what it means?

Maybe we say “I love you” when we really should be saying “I appreciate you” or “you are kinda fun to be around” and sometimes for those of you actually having sex “you give some great sex.”

But I think when someone says “I got you” then you know you don’t have anything to worry about, because they have you.

It’s such a favorite of mine that I like when people just say it in general like when I was choosing beer one time and this guy next to me at Safeway asked me the name of the one I was looking for and said “I got you” then found it and put it in my cart. I wanted to take him home with me, but apparently kidnapping strangers is frowned upon, so I let him go.

So sometimes I think people say “I love you” when they mean other things, but I don’t think that is the case with “I got you.” It isn’t subjective, there isn’t any guessing with it.

Another thing I found out the other day is as I get older I find that I want to be around people that don’t let go of people so easily. This is such a throwaway world that people boast about it on social media with posts like “if they don’t give you the love you need, let them go.” I guess I just don’t want to waste my time with people that when I make that first or 200th mistake say “that was it Josephine, I’m cutting you off.” If it takes me being a crazy person sometimes or cranky once, or to show up late to something for you to cut me off, then cut me off now and don’t make me waste my time.

Honestly, we’ve all made mistakes in all of our relationships, because we aren’t perfect people, and I’m sometimes a complete disaster that you have to like explain the simplest things in life. Let me give you an example.

I’m with a friend one day (I don’t remember how long ago) and we walk into a group that we know. We don’t know them like they are best friends with us or anything, but are acquaintances. When we walk in, nobody says anything, they sit there on their phones then one talks to another, and I get instantly angry. Who walks into a room of people they know and nobody says hello to them or acknowledges them at all? We said “hey” when we walked in, and got nothing.

So… I get mad, walk out and my friend (we will call her Shelly, because that’s her name) follows me. We sit and talk for a minute, with mostly me talking about how incredibly rude that was, and she listens. After I’m done and catching my breath, she explains that maybe they were busy and didn’t think what they had done was rude, and talks me into going back in. When we return, nobody is on their phones and everyone says hello to us, and one even comes up to elbow bump us.

If Shelly hadn’t been there, I would have been angry enough to leave permanently. In my mind, that was unacceptable and exceptionally rude. But people do get busy doing things, and they don’t always do the right thing either, and since I’m not perfect, maybe I should expect everyone else to be either?

You’d think I had learned my lesson from that, but yesterday something happened that reminded me that I didn’t. I needed that reminder again. Sometimes it takes me 7 times, okay? Don’t judge.

So, like I was saying, I am restricting myself to people that I don’t think will walk quickly out on me when I make a mistake, which makes bringing in new friends a little impossible. I can’t immediately tell whether they will stick with me or walk the first time I throw a temper tantrum because people didn’t say hello to me.

I can’t be like “you gonna sit on a log with me and explain something I should have known in high school and still like me the same amount afterward?” or “are my weird little quirks going to be cute or annoying to you?”

I’ve always felt like people walk away too fast, and that probably comes from my childhood and a bio mom that walked away and never looked back. Then having 4 sets of parents by 5, and some terribly disastrous relationships when I got much older.

I do believe you should cut ties with people that hurt you. If people damage you in any way at all, by all means grab those scissors. If you are just mad because they forgot you took cream in your coffee or didn’t wash the dishes right, you’re an ass and don’t deserve that person anyway.

I’m completely talking about friendships here, not just romantic relationships. I’m not in a romantic relationship, so if you are in one, that is your problem. You shouldn’t let them go either, more so than friendships, though to me, my friends are my family, and my family will forever trump a romantic relationship.

Who Has Time For That?

I settled in for the night not too long ago, laying in bed with my mind racing. What had I forgotten to do that day? Did I take out the trash? Forget to do dishes? What if someone broke into the window where I have that fan? What time do I need to wake up tomorrow?

That happens every night, but this night I just wanted a little peace. I didn’t want to think about all of that, I wanted to go to sleep and get some much needed rest.

Sometimes I think we are too hard on ourselves as adults, we don’t give ourselves the proper amount of rest, and even the proper amount of pampering. Especially when you are single and trying to do everything for yourself.

Right then, I got a text.. “Don’t forget breakfast in the morning!” It was a friend of mine that I had set up to have breakfast with the week before. I set my alarm on my phone and went to sleep. Let’s just say I was SUPPOSED to be there at 8:30ish and woke up at 9:30ish wondering how in the world I had slept through my alarm. I rushed around like a crazy person, and text her that I was running late and would therefore be buying breakfast and asked her where she wanted to meet.

I downloaded the app to order breakfast, ordered it for carry out, and rushed to go get it and showed up at her house around 10:30. I knew I must have looked half crazed. I hate waking up late, then standing someone up for breakfast, having minutes to get ready and rush out the door all while holding my phone and texting like a mad woman.. But I had arrived. I sat down and sighed heavily as she laughed and commented on my morning.

I feel like there is the person I think I am, which is punctual, and has it all together then there is the real me that is a train wreck and you’re honestly lucky if I show up at all. But I try my best, honestly, I have the intention of being this punctual “has it all together” woman while simultaneously not being any of that. I’m winging everything in life is the truth, I have no idea what I’m doing most of the time and yet pretending I do. When I had to make a call today to take care of a situation I mumbled under my breath “why the hell do I have to be the adult? Why can’t someone else?”

That is pretty much how I feel about most things, if I’m being honest. I get tired of looking around asking who in the hell is going to take out the trash in my house then realizing I’m the only one there.

On the flip side of that, if I had someone else in my house it would mean I was in some sort of relationship, and I don’t have any time for that sort of a mess. I can barely get myself to even joke about it, let alone give it some serious amount of thought. Besides, if I decided today I was totally ready to get out there and date, there isn’t anyone even close to willing to take that beast on. I already know that, and am perfectly comfortable in it.

So, I sit there eating my breakfast burrito with my forgiving friend and we are talking about what we need to get done that day, how many obstacles are in our way, and how we plan to get it all done and instantly I’m full. No time to eat that burrito, I have adulting crap to do. I work for a living, and need to manage a house like I’m a drill instructor to nobody.

While I’m gathering up my keys, phone, and wallet that I’ve conveniently spread all over her house, she asks me what kind of self care I’m currently doing. I wince at her for a minute “did you hear about my morning and listen about my day? I don’t have time for self care.”

I knew I was going to get a lecture, and I was right. What felt like an eternity, but was probably only 7 minutes she went through all the benefits of self care and how it does this crap.. I don’t honestly know I wasn’t listening.. But apparently it is very good for you.

Buy yourself a coffee, take a short walk, run yourself a nice bath.. Do something good for yourself as a reward for all the hard work you are putting in by doing this adulting crap. Also apparently it makes you less grumpy and some other stuff I don’t recall.

So today I got myself a coffee, enjoyed a partial day off, and even bought this stuff for my hair that I like but don’t really need. I did the self care thing in hopes tomorrow I can wake up at a more reasonable time and not be the person that shows up late, if at all..

Whomever They Want You To Be

I’m one of those rare people that honestly doesn’t care what people think of them. In my many years of life, I have learned different people will think different (sometimes polar opposite) things about you.

My for instance is a close family member of mine thinks I’m one of the laziest people she’s ever known. Not only does she think this, but never fails to remind me of what she’s done by 9am, to which I reply “I managed to make myself a cup of coffee.” While on the other end of the spectrum, I have a friend that gushes that she doesn’t know how I get everything done that I do. To me, I just get done what is important and am just me, but to her, I am some kind of superwoman that manages to do it all. Who do I listen to? Neither.

I’m just a person trying to get through today like everyone else, and sometimes barely managing enough energy to even get dressed, and yet somehow being able to feed myself and sometimes even clean something.

Recently though, I’ve had a couple of falling outs with people. Not super close to me kind of people, but just people. Then I’m told I’m “difficult” and even at one point a “troublemaker.” To be honest, I didn’t mind either one of those, but for the first time in my 28+ years of life, it made me stop for a minute. I was all “Josephine, are you difficult really?” I even wanted to ask my sister, the only person whose opinion truly matters to me, but she likes me, and somehow even though I know she’s honest, I feel like she would say “no you aren’t.” I may still ask her someday, so don’t say anything to her yet.

Being human, we are called everything, I’ve been called things I didn’t even have the courage to look up, but never taken any of it to heart. Just recently, and just because it was two things in a row, it made me stop for a minute and think about it.

So, maybe I am difficult, whatever-in-the-hell that means. I have my own particular way of doing things, and I don’t really mind this distinction, I guess.

The troublemaker part is the funny one. I’ve told you’all before I play this game online, and she’s like my alter ego. In this game called Red Dead Redemption, I have a crew that has my back, and I know that 100%. They are the very first crew I ever ran with, even the first time I even plugged a mic into my controller was to meet these guys. And yes, I start trouble. I shoot people randomly, I burn anyone under level 30, and just in general cause as much mayhem as I possibly can. It’s a game, that is what you are supposed to do.

Well, apparently, and not completely surprisingly, there are people on the game that don’t like me. I accidently (and that is the truth, it was an accident.) shot someone and it started this big war between his people and mine. Then, I’m called a troublemaker, for which at first I wanted to be offended, right? I mean, I never really thought of myself that way before, but here I am, not really LOOKING as innocent as I’d like to think I am, and I get called out.

Then I had to make the distinction between a game and real life. In real life, I can’t shoot people, and don’t generally cause trouble between people, so I’m not much of a troublemaker really, or I’m just terribly terribly bad at it.

So, there you go, I really probably am difficult, and in one aspect of my life a huge troublemaker.

And honestly, I’m enjoying every moment of it.

Voice From the Past

I honestly don’t know what I was thinking that night when I saw the name on my phone, but I answered it, mostly out of curiosity. What in the world did someone want that I haven’t spoken to in over 15 years? This curiosity had me answering the call.

We talked about people we still knew, about how the state I live in has changed, and how much the little town he and I lived in together had changed.

He did ask at one point if I would ever think about moving to Texas again, and I told him no. I have no reason to move to Texas, the people I knew there are gone, and it isn’t the same place as it was when I was there. I am also not the same person I was when I lived there.

The phone call was over in about 30 minutes, it was painless and didn’t really bring me back to the time he and I split up.

You see, this one found someone else when we were married and had a small child. Not only did he find someone, but she was 17, and he and I were in our 30’s. I guess when she took him to her parents house they didn’t like him. Imagine your 17 year old daughter bringing home a married 30-something year old dude with a small child. Yea, they weren’t impressed.

But, they did stay together, get married, have 2 kids, then he cheated on her and now she strongly dislikes the man she took from a family.

Meanwhile, my son and I moved on. We lived in a small town where I could afford the rent, and I was a floral manager in a grocery store. It wasn’t a great life, but we had what we needed.

Fast forward many years (over 19) and here I am on the phone with the man that at one point of my life, tore it apart.

But the conversation showed me that his life didn’t end up the way he thought it would. He is now single, living in the same small town he and I lived in when we were together, with a numerous amount of people truly disliking him. None of his children want anything to do with him, including ours. His behaviour over the past 20 years has cost him a lot, and I don’t care. I didn’t make those choices, I didn’t cheat, never walked away from my family for something else, and certainly never put anyone above my children.

When we hung up, I just sat there. All the things that go through your head when you find out someone’s life plans didn’t quite work out the way they planned is the same for all of us, I’m sure. “Good! You lying cheating bastard!” Then you realize you’re an adult and can’t stick out your tongue, so you don’t do that. (Yea right.)

I received a text while I was sitting there “you still love me.” I sit there looking at it for a minute. I haven’t THOUGHT of this person in well over 15 years, so this text is not accurate. There was a time I loved him, but that was over 19 years ago. I ignored that text and sat my phone down when my phone went off again, “I am a hard person to forget.”

I text back “really? Because I haven’t THOUGHT of you in well over 15 years, so  think you are an easy person to forget.”

I don’t know why people make themselves more important in your life than they are. This dude is an ex, and the fact I even answered the phone is amazing. I have gotten this call before and completely ignored it, not being in the mood to listen to the voice of someone that tore my life apart.

This time though, I did, and I don’t particularly regret it, it is nice to know the 17 year old ended up hating him for being the exact person he was, and still find it hilarious he cheated on her and that somehow shocked her. How in the world would that surprise you? That is how you met him.

Anyway, he text back “you haven’t thought of me in 15 years???”

Yea, why would I think of him? It isn’t like he’s a great catch, or anyone from his past wants him back. I’d rather rip off my right arm than to have him put me through that again.

Thanksgiving

When the kids were little, I remember being the mom that had it so together I could prepare the Thanksgiving, invite the guests, cook the food, clean up afterward, and barely miss a beat.

This year is different. With the COVID on the rampage, some of my family living in a state that is MUCH stricter than the one I’m in, and overall feeling of not really caring about the whole process, I’ve decided to have mine at someone else’s house.

With the exception of my parents, of course, and one friend once, I’ve never gone to someone’s house for Thanksgiving. This year though, is different. I don’t want to do it, so I don’t have to. It’s nice this way. I can sit and eat without the 4 hour prep time, and 3 hour cleanup, and go home to die of overeating.

I hope everyone reading this enjoys their Thanksgiving, whether you are sweating it out in the kitchen, or just get to sit down and enjoy the meal.

Judgemental Much?

I’m not one to point out flaws in other people, typically I can see my own quite clearly and don’t feel the need to point out other people’s. You know? It’s like you need to work on yourself more than you’re worried about what other people are or are not doing. Once you are absolutely perfect, then work on yourself some more, because you probably have a ton more crap going on than you’ll admit.

I have an exceptionally needy neighbor. It went from “can I borrow some salt” to “can you jump my car, take me to the store, buy my stuff, take me home, put it all away and make me dinner?” Okay, it may not be QUITE that bad, but it is pretty bad.

The other day she calls me “I made some mashed potatoes, but I don’t have a masher, do you have a potato masher?” I’m irritated. It’s been a bad day, I’ve had to do math at work, and I have a headache. (Math gives me a headache.) The fact of the matter is, I don’t have a masher. I hate those things, and honestly use instant mashed potatoes, or I use my handy dandy mixer to blend them up. My suggestion to her was to use a fork, since she says she doesn’t have a mixer, and I leave it at that. Happy with my suggestion, I take a couple ibuprofen and settle into my night.

The very next day I get a call from her again “do you have a stamp? I need to mail a letter.” I am high tech, and haven’t even USED the mail system in so long I hadn’t realized people were still doing that. I even joke around to her about it. “Who are you mailing? WHO even DOES that?” She told me she’s sending a card to her grandchild and just wanted to know if I had a stamp. “You know, if your grandkid is over like 10, they probably have an email, it is faster and cheaper, just saying.”

Yesterday I’m outside for some strange reason and she walks past “hey Josephine!” She says all smiling and happy. While I’m wondering how people even GET that way, she continues to ask me about my day, my pajamas (yes, I have pajamas on, don’t judge) and even asks about my headache and whether it went away.

It’s annoying, this banter, yet I put up with it because you people seem to like it so much, but to me, I’d rather be having some type of brain surgery.

However, since brain surgery isn’t elective, I put up with this back and forth thing for a while, then explain how busy I am and walk away from her and back into my house, where I am left alone to my own crazed thoughts.

Last night I saw another neighbor while checking my mail and we talked for a minute, he told me about how our neighbor moved in after her husband left her for another woman and divorced her after 30 years of marriage. He told me she told him such wonderful things about me that I wouldn’t even believe, and I stood there for a minute even after he walked away, shocked.

In 5 minutes my thoughts of her changed. I went from thinking this lady was nothing but a needy woman that couldn’t sort herself out to a lady that lost something precious to her, and now is trying to find her way back into a world she didn’t think she’d be in. I’ve been in her shoes, I’ve been cheated on, and it stinks. The amount of self esteem it sucks out of you is irreplaceable, you absolutely never get that back.

I stood there with my mail for no less than 3 minutes, then walked to her door. I stood there for a minute, unsure of what I would say, and even more unsure of how she would take it. Before I could knock, she opened up the door “honey! It is cold out there, what are you doing without a jacket on?” I fumbled around with my mail and told her if she ever needed anything to please call me, and to forgive me for not helping her before. She stood there surprised for a minute, then invited me in for some fresh fig bars she just made.

I’m not a person to love the fig, I’m sorry, but that just looks nasty, and why in the hell we make anything out of that, I have no idea. But I ate the fig bar, talked to the lady, and assured her that I was here for her if she needed me.

Do I know what it is like to love someone for 30 years only to find out they are cheating and want a divorce? Nope. But I do know that us women can be terrible to one another when we shouldn’t be. We judge one another when we shouldn’t. We should be building one another up, helping each other cope with life, and giving a hand when needed.

Tonight when I got home from running errands there was a plate on my porch.

More fig crap.

I’m sitting here eating one as I type this hoping she knows I appreciate the fact she thinks I liked it enough to bring me some.

I’ll eat the nasty fig bars, smile when she needs it, and help out when I can.

No Internet

I’m the person bopping around talking about how much I don’t really depend on electronics. I’ve actually said the words “I grew up before internet and all this crap you guys have now, and I’m better for it.”

Yea, then my internet goes down. Let me tell you all about that fun.

I work from home, so for some background noise I play Hulu on my phone and put in front of a cup of pens here at my desk and get busy. My battery was getting a bit low, but I only had a few more things to get done, so I pushed it. By the time I was done, it was at 8%, and then dead by the time I wandered around with it and plugged it into the charger.

My phone isn’t the perky kind that once you plug it in it is saying “hey! Turn me on, I’ll work for you while you charge me.” Nah, my phone is like the 80 year old that is like “hey, give me a damn minute, I freeking died.”

Then I realized I had no internet.

I shrug. I mean, who really needs internet? I am practically done with work for the day, just need to eat, shower, maybe clean the house a little, so I yell out to Alexa to play me some funky music and get the red thingy and her explaining she cannot possibly do anything without internet, the poor lost soul.

But, being a woman that can find things to do that don’t require my phone or internet, I begin making myself lunch. While I’m making it, I’m actually thinking of all the things I’m NOT going to be able to do until they figure out which wire goes where or whatever problem they are having.

I sit down to eat my lunch and yank the cord with my phone on it, and try to turn it on to no avail. Then I turn on the tv, and realize everything is on my PS4, which requires internet and shut that back off. I look around the house and realize that everything I have requires internet and decide I’ll be eating my sandwich with nothing to watch or listen to.

What should have been a lovely time ended up with me again yanking my phone like it was a child in trouble for the upteenth time, and turning it on. I think to myself “yea, I don’t need internet and crap, but what if someone calls me?”

Let me just tell you when my phone rings I’m the kind of person that actually gets angry. WHO has the audacity to call me? WHO has such a lack of actual knowledge of me that they dial the 10 digits required to get me to answer? Billions of people on the planet and I could name 3 right now I enjoy getting a phone call from. Needless to say, I’m not turning on my phone in hopes of getting a phone call.

I try to play among us, but can’t turn my phone the direction it wants because the stupid cord isn’t long enough and is in a stupid location, so I set my phone down again.

Finally now, I realize maybe I should call these internet people. Not because I require it, but because I work from home and what if I needed to do something? I mean, I could have forgotten to do something and now I can’t do it because I have no internet.

So, I give them a call. They explain to me there are no outages and ask if I’ve turned the router off and back on again, with such simple instruction of how to do that, it was as if they were explaining it to a toddler. I don’t know why I always go along with that instead of getting an attitude, but I do. “Ah yes, the black button on the back.” Like it isn’t the ONLY freeking button on the back of the router.

Anyway, it worked, and in that 30 or so minutes, I realized that I do rather enjoy the internet, and require it for more than just work.

Enjoy your internet.

Hot Meal

I guess I don’t have to tell anyone that Halloween went by without much fanfare. I don’t have kids young enough to dress up and go trick or treating, so I didn’t have to worry about that. I did get invited to a party, which was a bit of a flop since it was freezing outside and I’m not really the person you invite to a party.

I’m not even sure I’m actually fun one-on-one, but become less fun when you add more an more people. In fact, the more people you have around, the less fun I become. That is just an undeniable fact about me.

So, I went to the party, sat there in my witch costume that took me about 10 minutes to have somewhat off (I don’t do hats) and sat very still drinking a warm cocoa like mixture with some amount of alcohol in it.

Then, much to my satisfaction, I realized there was food. Then I realized I hadn’t eaten that day. I had done my 7+ hours worth of work, then got ready for the party and left. I didn’t actually FEEL overly hungry, but when I got up to get food, I did.

Once I got up, people began also realizing there was food and before I could even grab a plate, there were about 15 people around me. I feel like I’ve been an animal in my past life that lived in a cave and only came out to go to the bathroom or something. I look around at everyone and notice that nobody seems uncomfortable, everyone I’m around right now is perfectly content grabbing a plane within inches of another person, and standing inches apart to get something to eat.

This is almost my nightmare, and everyone else seems unphased by it.

Finally, I get back to my little corner by the fire and begin eating when 4 people walk over and sit down by me. They begin asking where I’m from, how long I’ve lived here, and things.. Guess what is the VERY first thing I do? No, not answer the stupid questions. I look for my car.

Seriously start scanning the parking lot to make sure my car isn’t in a place where I can’t get it out. When I find it, I look at one of them talking to me and ask “where all have you lived?” Typically, that question requires a long answer along the lines of “well, I grew up in dufdorf and we had to move to blah blah blah because of blah blah blah” but that isn’t my luck. She says “been here all my life.” Lovely. Boring as hell, and I didn’t even get a bite of food in that.

While she gives the short answers to what SHOULD be long, another couple of people come over, then another couple, and before you know it, my quiet little corner is now surrounded with people dancing, drinking, and one guy telling jokes like someone hired him to be there.

By this time, I am beyond looking for my car. I’m holding a cold bowl of chili, answering the same question over and over, and trying not to be distracted with the joke telling guy that isn’t leaving anyone alone. I’m straight to “I gotta go.” I don’t have a great excuse, or reason why I’d want to leave this lovely party, but this isn’t me, it doesn’t make me comfortable, and I need to go.

The lady that invited me to this party is a friend of over 4 years, and the most extroverted person I’ve ever met. She’s the life of the party, the one that plans them, and the one that can keep them going for hours. She is the one that got everyone dancing, and the one I’ve drug out of a bar we’ve been kicked out of (more than once, btw.)

It is the way of human interaction that an extrovert like her would like an introvert like me. I have no idea why she likes me, but I like her for many reasons. I like people that put themselves out there, and aren’t afraid like I am. I honestly WANT to be that person, I just CAN’T. I’m socially awkward, and feel very uncomfortable in situations where I’m put in the spotlight.

I’ll give you an example of how bad this is. I’m in a group chat on a game I play regularly and there are anywhere between 6 and 10 people in this chat and someone says my name. I’m petrified. My mind begins to race about what they are going to say next, are they going to ask a question? Have I done something wrong? What could they POSSIBLY want?

And what if, in the process of answering that question I say something stupid? I don’t often say stupid things, but it has happened. Some dumb things have come out of my mouth.

Yea, it’s all about doubting yourself, I get that, but mine is to the core. Mine was instilled in me as a child and has never gone away.

So, I go to her and tell her I need to leave. “I’m sorry, I just need to go.” She looks me straight in the eye and gives me a hug. I know she knows I’m uncomfortable. I feel safe in her knowing and appreciating that.

“Did you get a hot meal?” She asks as I walk away. I laugh “not really, but thanks for everything.”

Me and my cold chili go home and appreciate some quiet, in a place where I can feel at peace.

History

So, it has been about a month since I’ve written anything in here. Why? Because though I’m writing daily, I’m not actually publishing anything on here, I’m putting it together in a book that is coming out by Christmas. (My first deadline was my birthday, btw.)

Anyway, that is not the important part. The important part is that I’m writing. I love writing, it is my passion. Up until a couple of years ago, it fulfilled me in some kind of way I could never explain. It is almost as if you are born with something that just completes you. I never needed to look for it, it was already there inside of me.

But that isn’t what I wanted to talk about, I just kinda went on a little thing there.

What I really wanted to talk about is how much 2020 sucks balls. I lost people this year. Not in the “they took another route in life” kind of way, but to death. One was a radio host that I had become friends with. We had lunches and dinners together, he had even snuck me into the studio one time with a deal that I never told anyone. So, I didn’t tell you that.

Another was a dear lady I met when I went to go visit my sister. It was one of the most relaxing weekends I’ve had in ages, and she was a highlight of it. I joked about kicking her ex husbands ass, and felt like we had a bond. Somehow when you go through things people are going through, you feel some type of connection with them. That is how I felt with her. I know how it feels to be cheated on. Then, I know how it feels to have to be the bigger person. I also know that since I’m an outsider in her situation I don’t have to be the bigger person, so he can kiss my ass. I do wish I could have spent more time with her, but I guess that wasn’t in the cards. So, if you are reading this Kari, I’m still going to kick his ass for you.

I lost more than that in 2020, some very big things and some very small things. I isolated myself, then began disliking people. not on a small scale like my neighbors or those who had done me wrong, but pretty much the entire planet as a whole, with the slight exception of a select few.

I noticed I had begun reacting to things differently than I had before, taking huge leaps in situations that could have only taken a small step.

One of the things you learn when you leave any very bad relationship is that you don’t trust yourself anymore. I’ve lost all faith that I’m able to make a good decision. It doesn’t help that there are people on this planet that have confirmed that for me, and told me straight to my face I made a bad decision. Trust is a hard one, and even harder when you lose it in yourself.

It can either make you make less decisions and count on other people to make them for you, or it can make you make more hasty decisions that maybe don’t even fit right with the situation, then dealing with the consequences of that.

I realized this even in a game I play. I doubt myself through the entire thing. Should I save up my money or spend it freely? If I think I should do one or the other, I will doubt that to death and by the time I’m setting the controller down I realize I haven’t even had fun the 30 minutes or so I’ve been online.

Lucky for me, I have a great support system, my sister being one, my counselor that I’ve had for a year, and a few select friends I’ve let in on the intimate parts of my last 3 years.

If I didn’t have that support system, I don’t know where I’d be, or if I even would “be.”

The thing I learned today is I don’t have to live with that doubt. I make great decisions. Even the ones that didn’t turn out so great, were great. The reason why is simple. We make decisions based on the information we know at the time. If we had ALL of the information, we probably would have made a different decision, but we didn’t. So, we made a decision that cost us a little more than we wanted to pay.

So now I pay the price for making a decision that I would have made differently if I had all the information. Now I begin building a life I can be proud of, on my own, with nobody to inhibit my progress.

If you ever see someone doubting their judgement or not trusting themselves, reassure them. They make good choices, they made good decisions, and apologize that life had to make them think they didn’t.

Birthday

My birthday is in two days, and as refreshing as it is to still be walking around and able to make cohesive sentences, I have to say there isn’t anything good about getting older.

I’m growing a beard and mustache, waiting for the other male parts to follow. I have gray hairs coming in, and people are actually like not carding me anywhere when I buy alcohol. It’s actually quite depressing.

The good thing about getting older is that some people don’t get the privilege. I have friends that didn’t make it to my age. One, we had an agreement to get married 10 years ago if we weren’t married to someone. He passed before he could keep that arrangement. I named my youngest son after him. Wonderful man.

October is a wonderful month that reminds us that everything has a cycle. Things die, and are reborn in the spring.

If you’ve already had a birthday this year, celebrate again with me. If you haven’t yet, pretend mine is yours and celebrate early.

We should celebrate being alive, breathing, and just being able to be human.

#loveoneanother

#happybirthday